Jealousies and Disasters

Going back to work has become a disaster. I reported back, as planned, on Thursday, only to leave early with weeping wounds, extreme leg pain, and an embarrassment that I hid behind my sunglasses. I just couldn't do it.
I'm tired of talking about it to my friends, too. Everyone has advice, which I welcome, but it's always topical advice like "Oh, you want to take some time now, rather than get worse later." I understand that, I really do. What I don't get is how I'm supposed to know when I'm better to go back to work, especially when I hate my job so much. My big fear is that I'm going to fuck this up and create a mess, leaving work after 12 hard years with nothing to show for it. I have to admit, too, that I have a gross fear of my boss.
She's a nice enough woman, and I've always had a lot of respect for her. She's pretty much no-nonsense, and has come through for me on various occassions. However, in the last six months, our relationship seems like it's eroded and deteriorated. I took over a troubled store from her and moved two rather large mountains that her previous managers couldn't deal with to any success. The store is under-performing, difficult to manage because of geographical location and the clientele/customer-base. I've tried many different ways to manage the situation, but I've seen very little results in line with expectations. I used to think that I wasn't very good at communicating to her my needs, resources, and efforts to her, but now I've come to resent our relationship and the clear disappointment she has shown in me. Truthfully, her praise and support were the only things allowing me to hang on at work, and now that she rarely returns my calls, slowly responds to my requests, and all out ignores me some weeks, I'm completely turned off and resigned to just find another place to work.
And then the accident came. At a very bad time, workwise. And it underscored and opened my eyes to what I've really known all along. I don't want to be there. At all. And to be there is seriously giving me psychological health problems, and day by day, killing my soul. Not just like "Work-a-Day" sing-song, work sucks-"killing my soul", but like crisis in identity, taking handfuls of pills to sleep at night, allowing it to ruin relationships "killing my soul." I've never been on this kind of trip before - my job was always something I could rely on to be a steady partner through tough times. Without it, I've been forced to really look around at the state of my life, and I've discovered that I've been hanging on by a thread in many different areas. Areas that I could ignore so long as I was buried in my success at work.
So what is it going to be? I just don't know today. I do know that I was up at 3am this morning, laying there worrying about work. Worrying about having to talk to my boss today, to tell her that I'm still on sick leave. Worrying about all the work that awaits me when I get back. Worrying about how I'm going to get to work everyday, and how I'm going to get home. Worrying about what my employees think about what's going on with me, and angry that not one of them has sent me a card. Worried that I really am as hated as I feel I am at that store.
After a pain killer and a piece of pie, thank god for homemade apple pie, I lulled myself back to sleep for a couple of hours. But what do you think my first thought of the day was?
I need out. I need answers. I need help. Where is the miracle I've been praying for? Who will help me out of this mess? How can I overcome this obstacle?
But I have to believe. It's always darkest.....